They deserve admiration, not condemnation. We know — of course — that we have to pay the bills, clean up, manage the laundry, make the bed, cook some meals, keep the fridge stocked and take out the rubbish. These issues take up a lot of our attention and time but they are rarely at the core of what we think marriage is about.
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The notion that practical matters have no legitimate place in love makes our lives harder than they need to be. We get irritated around what seem like maddeningly minor details: is it wasteful to take the shirts to the dry cleaner? Should there be a roster for taking out the bins? But not only are we annoyed.
But our culture has for decades encouraged the idea that domestic matters are beneath the dignity of the sophisticated individual: we should be out working or having fun. When we understand that an issue is important and complex, we take it for granted there will disagreements that will take time to clear up, that there will need to be a lot of explanation, negotiation and debate. The small, bounded, repetitive tasks of domestic life in fact play a great part in the essential task of living well.
The great themes come into focus in them. We should accept the fundamental dignity of the ironing board and the bin roster. But reading in bed together represents a major achievement.
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We tend to be more aware of the troubles than of the pleasures. It may lack glamour, but being able to read in bed together is a major feat; and a sign of deep love. We may be doing better than we think. Marriage therapy looks like something we could only be interested in when a relationship is failing; in fact, it is the single greatest tool that can help to prevent it from doing so.
Marriage therapy works its magic because it is a safe forum in which to discuss issues that, when handled by the couple alone, can too easily spin into ill-temper and recrimination. But in a consulting room, a good therapist becomes the wise broker, allowing each person to have their say, sympathising with both parties, while taking neither of their sides. Therapy becomes a safe diplomatic back channel, away from the conflictual atmosphere of domestic life. Or they might make someone aware of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of hostile silence or controlling inquisitions.
One of the key tasks of the therapist is to expose us often enough to a more sane, respectful, reasonable and realistic outlook than our own. We begin to intuit what they would have said in a given situation, and when they are no longer there, at moments of crisis and loneliness, can learn to say some of the important, calming and kind things to ourselves. Far from a self-indulgence, undergoing therapy is one of the most generous things we could ever do for all those who have to live around us.
Those who have spent time in therapy are ever so slightly less dangerous to be around: a little better able to warn those who depend on them of how frustrating and peculiar they might sometimes be. But then we can end up being rather silent or talking about how nice the mozzarella salad is or what a colleague said in a meeting that morning. It is no insult to a relationship — or to our intellects — to realise that it may be hard to summon up the questions that are truly going to reopen the channels of feeling between ourselves and our partners. We may require a level of artificiality to get to the sort of conversation we could most profitably have.
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Here then are some of the more intimate, frustration-releasing questions that we might systematically ask one another as we work our way through the courses:. Such conversations, handled without recrimination or defensiveness, can save love. This story is particularly powerful because, early on, a relationship really can be a bit like this. But, over time, every marriage seems to change: there are running disagreements, points of deep tension, sex is patchy, we wonder if our partner might be flirting too much with someone else, there are things we definitely wish we could change about each other, we nag and criticise, we seem to just grunt and sulk instead of having deep conversations.
We start to resent each other. We get angry, but in the background is a less readily acknowledged truth. The ideal was never actually a real possibility for the long term — and not just for us but for pretty much anybody. We should be sad, but not angry or bitter. We must blame our partner and ourselves a little less. Our sense of whether of our own marriage is going well or badly is subtly but powerfully dependent on our mental picture of what marriages in general tend to be like. Whether we feel well off or rather poor always depends on how much money we think other people have.
We know our own marriage from the inside — while we generally have only a heavily edited, limited and sanitised picture of the marriages of other people. Mostly we see others in social situations — where a degree of politeness is the norm.
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Very understandably, we come to the conclusion that our own marriage is uniquely cursed and much darker and more painful than is usual. If we could properly see — via tenderly accurate films and novels and honest chats with older honest couples — the reality of pretty much any marriage we might arrive at a surprising and rather heartening conclusion: that our own marriage is — in fact — really quite OK and certainly very normal.
There will be times when we feel very bleak about our marriage. Here, therefore, are some bits of stiff, kindly consolation for the periods of agony.
Why did you marry this person? How did you get it so wrong? Everyone when known properly turns out to be unbearable in some central ways. There is no-one you could be married to that would not — at times — leave you feeling desperate. You too are tricky, we should remember. Many people suffer in similar ways now, have done so in the past, and will do so again in the future. You feel completely alone; yet you are in a vast shy majority. A thoughtful, well-read surgeon screamed at his partner through the bathroom door late last night and woke the children.
It will pass. No-one really understands anyone else. Yes, you would like to have an affair. It would be wonderful to be wanted, to be held and loved and properly appreciated in bed. Your anguish is very real at this moment. We get used to things. We can cope better than we think. A marriage should be a place where people offer each other comfort. Two people can long to be supportive and generous to one another and yet lack all the skills to deliver on their good intentions — and therefore end up feeling isolated, resentful and unloved. We cause ourselves trouble because we are too slow to recognise an odd, largely unmentioned phenomenon: how varied and particular our notions of help can be.
An urgent task is to try to understand the particular way in which we, and our partner, need love to be delivered in order to feel that it feel real. We might be types who, when we are sad or in difficulties, need first and foremost to be listened to silently.
Why Temple Marriage?
Even when laws making marriage before the age of 18 illegal, as in the United States, child marriage still happens. About marriages involving children between ages 13 and 15 were approved by judges. Unfortunately, the law is rarely enforced , and, in recent years , the government has considered policies that would grant exceptions for child marriage, making it legal in some cases. But the common driver in all these contexts is gender inequality. Child marriages are symptomatic of gender-based discrimination against girls and cultural norms that value girl less than boys. In some places, child marriage is a cultural norm.
In southern Ethiopia , marriage is simply considered the next phase of womanhood, following FGM and menstruation. But in many cases, the practice of child marriage arises out of social norms, cultural beliefs, and poverty. In these cases, families living in poverty who have several children may arrange a marriage for their child to reduce their economic burden : One less daughter to take care of means one less mouth to feed and one less education to pay for. Girls may also married off to offset debts or settle conflicts, effectively acting as a substitute for money.
The girl died four days later from internal bleeding likely due to sexual activity. On top of that, families who cannot afford to feed or educate their daughters may view marriage as her next best option. Though it is frequently a key motivator, money is not the only reason for child marriages. Unfortunately, because of the cultural emphasis on virginity, child marriage is sometimes seen as a legitimate way to protect girls in unsafe environments. By not going to school, it reduces the risk of being sexually active outside the house or being harassed while commuting.
In Jordan's Syrian refugee communities, child marriage has risen dramatically over the past five years.
Every two seconds, a girl gets married.
After fleeing Syria, Qamar, 14, was married two years ago: "I was a child when I married and now I'm a child, with a child. Child marriage is slowly becoming less common around the world. The Global Goals have set a target to end child marriage by and the UN Human Rights Council reached a consensus and adopted a resolution against child marriage.
International efforts have been supported by the national efforts of countries like Burkina Faso, Nepal, and Egypt that have all developed strategies and action plans to bolster their current efforts to end child marriage.
Guatemala and Chad have raised their minimum age of marriage. People with knowledge of the plans and marriage, but did not report the marriage, could also receive a year sentence under the law.
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Though there has been progress there are still 22 million girls who are married right now, and more getting married every day. Share on email. Every person on earth has a deep desire to be loved.